Ladies, next time you have an orgasm, look at your feet. You'll find that if you press pause, right there, at that moment and in that position, you could slip a pair of Louboutins on them, easy as anything, like a glass slipper on Cinderella. It's his - Christian Louboutin's - secret, and why women want more and more of his shoes. They're less about going, more about coming.
He has let the cameras in for the first time, to make Christian Louboutin shoes: The World's Most Luxurious Shoes. "You are going to see a documentary about someone who's been loving what he's doing, but he's doing something totally useless," he says. "If you have no problem with that, hello!"
I don't have a problem with that at all Christian, hello, yoo-hoo. So here he is, phutt-phutting through Paris on his scooter during fashion week, shadowed as always by Safquat the Bangladeshi butler. Off comes Christian's crash helmet, to be replaced by an orange beret, which just arrives through the air like a frisbee (nice catch Safquat). They probably have people with orange berets strategically positioned all over the fashionable parts of Paris just in case Christian shows up. After a quick check in the (Vespa's rear) mirror, they're into the Louis Vuitton show. Here's Catherine Deneuve - "Bonjour, darling" (mwah, mwah).
It's not just parties though. Christian has a serious empire to run; he's so busy that even a 90-minute packing date with Safquat (as in packing bags and cases, LV probably, to go away) has to be diaried in three weeks in advance. There's a man from American Vogue to see the new collection, amazing tall, spiky shoes that look like a cross between a flamingo and a triceratops. We visit his atelier, where casts of his famous clients' feet line the shelves. There's something almost sinister about them, as if they're body parts and that's all that's left - of Kylie, Kristin Scott Thomas, Tina Turner, Prince, pretty much everyone who's anyone.
Oh go on, a few secrets, please, Christian? Victoria Beckham has verrucas, doesn't she? Christina Aguilera has only three toes on each foot, her father was probably a sloth, But no. Christian's a bit like a doctor, he says, and "a doctor has secrets and a doctor never speaks of his patients."
Yeah, but you're not, though, are you Christian, a doctor? You make shoes. Very beautiful ones, maybe; certainly very expensive ones (Christian Louboutin sale from £60 to £600 a pair), but they are still shoes. Actually not so expensive, says a woman from Shanghai in his Paris store, trying on a pair. Meaning, she's very rich; she doesn't even have any idea how many pairs she has. But these ones that she's trying aren't tall enough - she prefers 16cm heels. Why does she like them so high, filmmaker Michael Waldman asks her. "Er, I think, mmm, it's a little different," she says. I don't know who she is or why she's so rich, but I don't think she made her money out of her own eloquence.
Luckily for the film, Christian himself is better at talking - more entertaining and amusing; a little ridiculous, sure, as you'd expect and want - but he even shows signs of a self-awareness that is rare in his world. "I think I make a very useless work and I'm very proud of it," he says, again.
To Bhutan then - yes, the Himalayan state that has only recently opened its doors to anyone. Christian was probably the first outsider in. Well, he's friends with the Queen (of Bhutan), of course.
Anyway, Christian has a team of local artisans chiselling blocks of wood into shoes. It's a long way (in every sense) from this primitive workshop high in the Himalayas to the pages of Vogue and well-heeled (in every sense) ladies wobbling about 16cm above the ground.
Who, Waldman asks, does Christian Louboutin UK think will be the clients of the Bhutan project? Christian gives him a look of more than faint disdain, as if he is asking Michelangelo whether he's done his market research. "I have really no idea who is going to be interested - but it's a good thing because I will definitely be surprised", he says.
And is there a business model? "There is no business model, as there is not much business model to what I am doing in general." Quite so. What is this, Dragons' Den? Beauty doesn't come from business models, it comes from a deep understanding of women, and of their feet, and of what gives them the greatest pleasure.